Meltdown

This is what I should be feeling. Maybe later.

Hello.  I haven’t been writing much, because I haven’t been feeling inspired or funny or interesting or all that happy.  Thought I’d fill you in.

Thoroughly frustrated with doctors and hospitals and insurance, we’ve decided to use a midwife and are planning to have a water birth at home.  This feels right, and I pray that I can do it, although my nagging brain is full of “what-if-I-don’t-dialate-or-the-baby-is-breech-or-the-baby’s-heart rate-drops-or-I-can’t-take-the-pain” thoughts, in which case we’ll end up at the stinking hospital and will have to deal with doctors and insurance after we already paid thousands of dollars out-of-pocket for the midwife in order to avoid this shit.

And I’m barely employed.  And husband’s work situation is enduring a storm at the moment.  I feel angry and scared and guilty that I’m not earning more money, which makes me want to punish myself= no baby moon, no prenatal yoga classes, no new clothes, no prenatal massages, and no last trip home to Michigan to see family before this baby pops out.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am healthy, the baby is healthy, husband is healthy, we love each other, we have a roof over our head, food in the fridge and a savings account.  I just wish for one moment I could feel safe, and that’s just not happening.

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