Gratitude & Grieving

Contraction Face

Much like contractions during labor, my new mama moods can fluctuate rapidly and violently.  I am riding those waves.  Last night I had a nice, long, snotty cry on husband’s shoulder about the following:

  • Being sad that the pregnancy is over.
  • Being sad that all the birth preparation at The Sanctuary is over.
  • Wondering “Who am I?” now that this other life is here to love and care for.
  • Wanting desperately to start doula training now so I can continue to get my birth and baby and Sanctuary fix.
  • Fearing the night as Ian had been up the previous night, screaming if I put him down.

The feeling is similar to being sad when a play is over or summer camp has come to an end.  You have this incredible experience with a group of people, and suddenly it’s over, and because they are all so burned into my brain (and heart), I’m afraid of being forgotten.

I’ve learned that when these emotional surges come to just let them out as quickly as possible.

This pregnancy, birth and baby have so completely inspired me to go into the world and be of service with the same fierce love and care I’ve been shown, but I also recognize that now is a precious time to be quiet and hibernate a bit with the littlest Ian.

5 comments on “Gratitude & Grieving

  1. YES AND YES! Follow your gut – go into the world and spread your amazing ability to care for people. But first enjoy what you have been given – you are a wonderful momma and an inspiration to many. xo

  2. that pic at the end of you and Ian in amazing. Also, I completely agree with Lisa’s comment. I could not have said it any better.

  3. Sweet new momma feelings….. and our poor husbands have to somehow make sense of it all. It all is truly amazing when you think about it- that God has equipped us with these bodies that grow, give birth and mother our beautiful babes. The uber “emotionalness” will pass (sort of…. I say this when I uncontrollably cry at the end of The Blind Side EVERYTIME!!). Your life is forever changed and it is a lot to acclimate to, so give yourself some time to adjust, it comes naturally.
    As my life as a mommy has somewhat leveled out, I am now found with feelings of sadness and regret after my birth experience. As I read your labor blogs, I was reminded of how my very long and laborious (for lack of a better word) labor had been. But instead of the unbelievable support that you received at home, I was in the hospital and did not receive that same support. My hubby and mom were AMAZING but they could only do so much. After 48 hours in labor I felt it necessary to get an epidural, which lead to fetal monitoring, maxed out pitocin drip, and LOTS of people staring at my crotch. I had Nathaniel vaginally and as natural as I could at that point but I still feel like I missed out on experiencing the birth of my baby boy fully. Grieving!
    These are all feelings that I need to deal with before my next pregnancy and planned homebirth (yes, I WILL do it!!).
    I am so happy for you, and thankful that you share so much via your blog and facebook. Please know that we are sending you much love and hugs from Ann Arbor!!

    • Wow, Robyn! I had NO idea your labor was that long and sweetie, the fact that you went 48 hours in the hospital before you had an epidural makes you a better woman than I. I was talking hospital transport and drugs after 30 hours, and I’m fortunate that no one really took me seriously. It is amazing what our bodies can endure and then heal so quickly. I’m SO excited for your future home birth. It is nothing short of magical, and is the closest to God I’ve ever been. Love love love to you and your family. Maybe we can have some baby time in Michigan this summer! xoxo

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