Oh man. I am scared. Today Ian started to have mystery cries. I’m guessing it’s his tummy, but I’m just guessing. It’s not a hungry cry, it’s all of a sudden total screaming. Terrifying for a new mother. I KNOW I’m not alone, but boy does it feel like it. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I see a black future filled with sleepless nights pacing my apartment while bouncing my baby, and completely losing my mind.
I feel sorry for my parents who are coming on Monday, like, sorry you missed the cute, sleepy baby he was for the first two weeks. Now you get the super fussy, frightening baby…and I feel like I’ve manifested this because I’m so afraid of it. Like it’s my fault, which makes me want to hide from the world.
This evening, I sent him off with husband and stepson so I could have a “break”. I’m supposed to be sleeping, but I’m just lying in the dark, crying, anticipating a long night ahead.
Don’t get me wrong. I still love him more than life, I’m still so excited he’s here. I’m just scared of what the future holds, and this feeling makes labor seem easy. Help.