Dark Days

The tail that wags the dog.




I’ve been watching this video a lot to remind myself that Ian has the capacity to be happy. It’s hard times over here this week.



He’s different. Meltdowns are constant. I don’t know if he’s in pain (2 yr molars perhaps?) or has a virus or if this is the beginning of the Terrific Twos in which case, AWESOME. He’s super whiny and clingy and even when I’m right there, full on, holding him, boob out, he often thrashes himself about, wailing. I keep taking him to the doctor to get his ears and throat checked and everything is clear. We’re going back today.

He doesn’t display this behavior for the babysitter, thank GOD, but mama and daddy get it full force. I’m afraid of my kid and I’m afraid of the day.

At least he sleeps. Being a pill must be exhausting. Yesterday, we had the shortest park outing ever, clocking in at 15 minutes after he had a hum dinger of a tantrum when I wouldn’t let him sit in the fountain. Then he promptly passed out in his stroller at 10:45am and slept for three hours (he normally naps at noon).

What’s the one thing he wants to do inside our house? Watch Curious George. He asks me constantly, with pleases both verbal and signed. I think he would watch all day long if I let him. Honestly, it’s SO much easier to handle him when that damn show is on. I can change his diaper, change his clothes, feed him (oh that’s the other thing, he refuses to eat most of the time) without it being a battle, but I feel like I’m creating a TV addict.

I tried going to the library and getting loads of new books. Worked for about five minutes. “Watch George? Watch George? Watch George?”

I’m ready to call in a specialist. Specifically, a specialist who will tell me I’m NOT going to fuck him up royally if I let him watch loads of Curious George.

My current tactic is to keep us out of the house as much as possible. There is no George at the park or Trader Joe’s. Some days it works well and some days he just melts. I managed to not turn George on at all last night as I made dinner and tried to comfort him. It was Hellish and exhausting.

I know mothers who have no television, AND there toddlers don’t nap, so I know it’s possible, I just don’t know if I can do it. Or if I want to.

4 comments on “Dark Days

  1. You know I’m right there with you! Hugo’s not melting down all the time but the tantrums are coming closer together now and he sure wants to watch TV all the time. I put it on in the morning so I can get ready for work and in the evening while making dinner. Sometimes it gets to be more often if he’s being difficult or my husband and I want to interact a bit. I sometimes have to get down on the floor and play with him to get him to engage with something else. I imagine it’s just easiest for him to pay attention to cartoons. I’m lucky that he goes most of the day without it when his sitter is there or when he’s in school.

  2. Oh my goodness, save your sanity and let the kid watch Curious George! Poor Mandy! It’s not my place to give out advice, but I feel bad for moms – they are judged to pieces by other moms. My grandmother used to call my mother every single day (long distance) just to ask if she needed help. My brother was an exhausting infant, and it was important for my mom to hear her MIL say, “It’s okay to feel this way. Do you need me?” Not one single time did she tell my mother that she was doing something wrong. And that’s all I hear from women these days, is how mothers are doing it wrong.

    Screw that. Do your best, and it will be enough.

  3. Oh Girl!! We need an exorcist over this way. He loves hitting, screaming ‘no’, pulling his penisut in front of the loooong line at the post office nd saying he’s going to pee in his hat. He wakes up with a devilish grin and I’m really missing my boy.

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